Why didn’t she tell me?
I treasured my relationship with my Godmother.
She was one of the ‘old school’, one of the stiff upper lip brigade. A childless widow, at eighty years old she kept herself busy and never felt sorry for herself.
We celebrated her 80th birthday last June with a boat trip; a beautiful summer’s day. She cut the cake whilst we sang Happy Birthday to her, in varying degrees of competency.
In July my father died. The funeral procession left from my house. My Godmother arrived with a huge bunch of flowers for me; such was her thoughtfulness. We all commented on how well she looked.
She died in hospital just two months later.
At her thanksgiving service I sat in the church, tearful and overwhelmed, clutching my husband’s hand.
Her nephew read a eulogy. I listened, shocked, as he told the congregation that she had been diagnosed with leukaemia two years previously and had been receiving blood transfusions every six weeks.
I had had no idea that she was ill. I found it incredibly painful. As we filed out of the church, I cried helplessly on her nephew’s shoulder as we shared our grief.
“So you didn’t know then?” He was surprised too.
Three months have gone by and I think of her every day, usually with a few tears. I remember our shared laughter, our girly lunches and the love I felt for her. And I feel bewildered.
Why she didn’t share this with me?
Didn’t she love me enough? Didn’t she trust me? Or was it because she didn’t want to be treated differently because she was ill?
My friends are convinced she was protecting me. I don’t know what to think. All I know is that she’s gone, and I still can’t believe I’ll never see her lovely face again.
I was so proud of her. I miss her in my life.
She truly was the best gift my parents ever gave me.
RIP lovely lady.
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Jan Jack
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Jan this is so sad. I think she loved you a bit too much and just couldn’t bring herself to tell you knowing how much her telling you would hurt you. As you said she came from Stiff upper lip brigade and they just got on with things and didn’t put their troubles on anyones shoulders. She has given you a gift in that the last months you had with her were happy, you gave her a lovely birthday and things might have been different if you had known. I can imagine how it hurts but just know it was out of love. I hope you and your family manage to enjoy Christmas this year and I wish you a happy and peaceful one.
My husband lost his mum in January so last Christmas we were running up and down to a hospital and this year we don’t have her. It’s life and its hard.
Thank you Anne. The more I think about it I realise it is more in line with her character. She just never complained….except when having a little rant about people no longer having any manners!
Life is indeed hard. I hope your Christmas was okay.
Two deaths in the family this year have made me realise you need to cherish each and every day. I always say I’m going to do it, but it can sometimes fade….
take care
Jan
Maybe there was never the right moment, maybe she wanted you to remember her as the sprightly energetic Godmother she was, maybe she wanted to protect you. Whatever the reason she thought she was doing the right thing for YOU x
Firstly, big hugs and I’m sorry you’re thinking about this today. I know you loved her very much and I can imagine how hurt you feel, not just at her loss but at her not telling you something so important and for not preparing you for what she knew was coming.
I do agree that she was probably protecting you. She loved you so much and didn’t want you to be worrying about her. But also, she was probably protecting herself. I know what it’s like to be that sick person, and you only want the people who HAVE to know (i.e. because they take you to the hospital) to know. Firstly because you don’t want to have to talk about it, don’t want to worry people you love, don’t want those constant ‘how are you’ questions. But also because telling people makes it REAL, and maybe she wasn’t ready for that. Maybe she wanted to remain the healthy spritely godmother not just for you, but for herself too.
I had the privilege of meeting your godmother and the one thing I can say with certainty is that SHE LOVED YOU. So as much as it hurts hold on to that and the fact that her love is still with you, even if you can’t see her in person anymore xx
Thanks Callie and Denise. It’s still difficult to come to terms with but I’m getting there …