Fun Stuff

Trouble at the Wine Club 

I used to run a wine club, there were characters galore,
We had a bit of trouble with Louise from number four,
A fruity little number, in all the worst of ways,
She ran off with a wine merchant, she’d known for seven days,

I don’t know what she saw in him; he never had a car,
But her eyes lit up completely when she saw his Pinot Noir,
He was full of it – had all the chat, the things he used to tell her,
And wine wasn’t the only thing he laid down in his cellar,

He said “I’ll take you to Champagne, of course, and take you to Loire Valley,
But they got as far as Peckham and he took her up the alley,
And when they asked him at the Wine Club “Would you like a nice Rioja?”
He said “I don’t care what I drink; just want to see her knockers…..”

©Jan Jack 2011

Do you like Naughty Poetry?  Want to laugh out loud?  

For only £3.08 put a smile on your Kindle with

  Muffs Chuffs & Nonsense (Poems for Grown Ups) 

REVIEWS…   “Hilarious, a great spirit lifter”… “Funniest book ever”….“Don’t read it near the kids!”

A Perfect Mum?

I’m sitting gluggling wine again; my work today is done,
I’m musing on the things it takes to be a perfect Mum
Of course I’m multi-lingual; I can now speak Toddler-ese
I’m brilliant at tidying up, and tending to hurt knees

I’ve super human hearing and my husband’s often said
I know before it happens, when my kids climb out of bed
I’m good at combing tangles and I’m good at sorting lice
I’m skilled at bogey management; which really isn’t nice.

I’ll turn deaf ears to tantrums; I don’t notice “No I won’t”
I know when each child needs a wee & even when they don’t
I’m brilliant at mopping up; it’s what you have to do
And if the need arises, I’ll examine any poo

When it comes to  ‘sicky’ stuff; no time for indecision
I’ll catch projectile vomit with a clear and sure precision
All of this I do, and they don’t ever have to ask
Us Mums are super-human – we’re the queens of multi-task

©Jan Jack 2012

A Contemporary Romance

He was wearing a grey hoodie, and a dab of ‘Eau de Skate’
He chose a wicked restaurant for our brilliant first date,
He ordered two huge hamburgers, with relish and some fries,
And across that plastic table I gazed deep into his eyes,

When I saw his ‘HATE’ tattoo, I knew I’d found my perfect heaven,
And I got to know him well, from half past ten until eleven.
We had to leave quite quickly as his lovely pit bull Clyde,
Was frightening all the customers; and snarling, just outside,

He took me for a lovely walk just by the local tip,
And there over the council bins, I dropped my bag of chips,
We have a brand new baby now, a lovely little boy,
I’ve dressed him in a hoodie and I’m going to name him Troy,

I know his Dad still loves me but my best mate’s not convinced,
She’s told me I should ask him…but I haven’t seen him since.

©Jan Jack 2011

All verse shown on this website is subject to copyright and cannot be reproduced without the express permission of Jan Jack