A Bee Plea

I’m a little bumble bee,
I’m flying with a pout,
I hate those pesky pesticides,
I’m scared I might die out

I need to ask a favour
Today I’m saying ‘please’
‘Cos what’s left for our children
Without us lovely bees?

Big companies don’t seem to care;
They’re showing no contrition
So can you take the time today
To sign this wee petition?

It only takes a minute
To show us that you care
And if you think this verse might help
Remember to hit SHARE

Please sign this Save the Bees petition to make sure our buzzy friends are around for our children’s children.

Thank you so much.

It’s ironic really….I used to be a rep for Ann Summers.  I started when I was a secretary.  My diary management was very impressive. Each week I managed to get my deliveries to arrive whilst the Finance Director was at the other side of the building….

I also remember a certain party when I started off a group of elderly ladies with a gentle quiz.

“Ladies” I said “Give yourselves 10 points if you’ve ever had sex on a first date”

There was indignation all round, and then one of them said “does it HAVE to be a date?”

Lovely memories, lovely products…which brings me on to some news….my book Muffs Chuffs & Nonsense is currently being reviewed by the Ann Summers  buying department.  Many of the reps have asked to sell it…..

I’ll keep you posted!

Thank you Jacqueline, for my award.  You’ve made a comedian and poet very happy   All I need to do now is get those lovely award pictures on my website.  One day I’ll be a teccie…..

STOP PRESS  The lovely Callie from Digital Dogsbody has added my #WOW badge.  Doesn’t it look posh!

Dan Harrison, a regular guest at Basingstoke Comedy Club Laughter-House, and a member of Hamwic Speakers, asked  me, as a  poet & comedian, if I could give  the group some ideas on how to bring humour into speeches.  I decided the best way of doing this was to give them ten minutes of my own speech and then ‘break it down’ to show them how I made it funny.

It was a lovely evening; lively and buzzy, and there were guests from other groups as well.  It was  so enjoyable to share  techniques with them.  Steve Bimpson, an attendee from Wessex Speakers, was kind enough to write this review of the evening.

Some of the members asked me afterwards if I’m running a full workshop soon.   I’m pleased to say there will be a two hour fully interactive workshop in Basingstoke on Wednesday 17 October.

Places are limited, and guests who book before 30 September can take advantage of an Early Bird Discount.

It took me a week to come up with the concept, but it’s interesting how creativity kicks in.  As I began to write, I could imagine a bugle, and knew this would have to be an integral part of the piece.

Perhaps you’d like to listen to A Bugle Plays  by clicking on the link.  Let me know what you think.  The words and concept are mine, and the voice over was provided by Alan Donegan.  

A  Bugle Plays

A bugle plays

A solemn tune

Another soldier

Gone too soon

Loving husband

Father, son,

We honour each

And every one.

©Jan Jack 2012

I was musing the other day on whether technology has become far too clever for its own good.  Consider the phone hacking scandal; it’s caused fisticuffs everywhere; leaving an unsettled Rebekah Brooks looking like a cocker spaniel in a wind tunnel.  Would life have been simpler if we had stayed with our old fashioned phones and trusty pen and paper?

I was 13 when my mother read my diary.  Apparently she ‘came across it’ whilst on her knees groping under my mattress.  In a fit of blind terror it magically broke its own lock, and Mother settled down for a Jolly Good Read.

To be fair, she reacted really well.  She only grounded me indefinitely and banished my best friend from the house.  For ever.

So even back in the Seventies a stubby pencil and a hacked Winnie the Pooh diary could still create a maelstrom all of its own.

There are two morals to this tale.  Firstly, never underestimate the dangers of communication, whatever scale it might be on.  Secondly, if you’re referring to your Mother as a witch, at least have the grace to spell it correctly.

To be honest, I was chuffed.  Previously, my proudest moment had been winning my ‘Jester’ badge in the Brownies, but that was 40 summers ago.  (As an aside, I only lasted three weeks in the Girl Guides before they asked me to leave).

The first meeting of all Theos SBS winners was on Friday 30 March.  I was lucky enough to travel with another Basingstoke winner -Sandrine from The Nautical Company - (check out her website for some lovely French designer clothing).

I hadn’t had many dealings with many SBS winners before…only Dylan Moore from Aqua Design Group who made my lovely SBS winners badge, on my home page…

Over a tomato sandwich and a glass of cranberry juice (no, I don’t have a medical condition) we were finally able to meet fellow SBS winners and their guests – and what a lovely bunch of people.

I especially enjoyed chatting to Chris and Claire Hainstock of LincolnMedia and Acting the Party and also Brett Symes of Brett Symes Photography.  You were all so helpful and I look forward to chatting with you soon.

And another quick thank you to Tina Fotherby of Rymans…I really appreciate your help.

Theo Paphitis was a revelation.  He came through the room, happy to chat, and then took the stage. He was funny and interesting. What came across the most was his genuine enthusiasm for small businesses.  He didn’t make daft promises; he knows he can’t put us all ‘on the map’ but quite simply he’s passed us each a ball…and now it’s up to us to pick it up and run with it.

So what have we gained?  Well, there is now an special SBS winners website designed by Chris Wheeler of Metal Frog Studio.

Thank you Chris – it’s a cracking website, and we were all able to give our input into what we want from it.  I’m really proud to be part of it, and with a £50 online gift credit from Ryman Stationery I think it’s all more than generous.

We also had a question and answer session, with some great questions.

How exactly does Theo choose his SBS winners? Well let’s just say you had to be there to find out.  There were a couple of daft questions too…..but then if you put a camera in the room I suppose it’s inevitable.

So what happened next?  We joined the huge throng of people queuing up to be photographed with Theo.  He’s obviously the George Clooney of the business world and has the patience of a saint; managing to smile with an assortment of (mostly ladies) draped around him.

So, the good news is I’ve had my photo taken with Theo.  The bad news is that mine makes me look as though I’m high on cranberry juice…. so it’s probably just as well that I can’t upload it……

The icing on the cake?  A wonderful Goodie Bag from Rymans, which actually had goodies in it that you didn’t want to stuff into a cupboard and forget about.  Thank you!

And last but not least….a quick shout out to some lovely people who I especially enjoyed talking to:

Neil Jackman from Enzo Retail Ltd - I’ve never before had a business card with a pair of underpants on it…

Heather Maskill from Vintage Chairs - a lovely little business with some super furniture.

Sherlock Herring from Red Herring Games - I can honestly say I’ve never before networked with a fish…

Sarah Evans from Right Bag - another Basingstoke SBS winner.

Barry Slip from L F Designs - lovely to see your smiling face for real..

Louise Barson from Silver Concierge - same again…

and finally the lovely Marketing Expert Jenny Hinds  - thank you for being such good company.

The Girl I Used to Be

People bustle past my bed; they’ve such a lot to do,
I long for conversation, or a caring word or two,
Nobody is interested and nobody will see,
That inside this frail old lady is the girl I used to be.

I used to go to parties, and I fell in love, like you,
I wore a dazzling wedding gown and promised I’d be true,
I danced a lot, I loved too much, I watched my children grow,
I nursed my man through illness then I sadly let him go.

So when you walk straight by me, please remember I’m like you,
I’ve had troubles that you might just have; done things you’ve yet to do
To you, I’m just a problem, just another OAP,
But remember, I was once like you…one day you’ll be like me.

©Jan Jack 2012

Kindly note this verse cannot be reproduced without the express permission of Jan Jack’s Perfect Verse.

This is the Perfect Verse tongue in cheek guide to what not to do….

1. Do not, under any circumstances, attempt to deliver a speech if you are completely trolleyed. It will all end in tears. Most likely, the bride’s.

2. Never begin speaking whilst finishing a mouthful of food. This is not an appropriate point in the evening for the bride to be covered in fresh cream.

3. Never use profanity of any description; even if it does form part of your pet name for the groom.

4. Don’t go into lurid detail about the groom’s ex girlfriends. In fact don’t mention them at all. The guests are there to hear that the only woman the groom has ever really loved is sitting beside him, finishing enough food to feed a small continent.

5. Never refer to the bride as ‘the current‘ Mrs Whatever. She won’t find it funny. Neither will her parents; weddings are expensive.

Please feel free to add your own advice.

Dave was our headline act at Basingstoke Comedy Club Laughter-House the next night.

He’s a superb comedian.

But his foray onto Breakfast TV brought to to mind an interview I had with a BBC radio station just after the 2008 Olympics. They asked me my thoughts on the little Chinese girl who sung so beautifully at the Olympic opening, and was then replaced on screen by someone ‘prettier’. In China, when asked how she felt, the little girl replied that it was such an honour to sing for her country that she didn’t mind.

I said that one of my Chinese speaking friends (yes, I’ve hundreds of those) was out there at the time, and the correct translation was more like “Look, I’m 9 years old, I’m a girl, and I live in China. I’m just grateful I’m not in an orphanage.”

I’m still waiting to be asked back.

If you want to see some pictures of our night, have a gander here… http://www.michaelpalmer.com/laughing-at-people-in-basingstoke/

I’m a bespoke poet who tweets in rhyme.  I use twitter to make people laugh. I help other businesses by tweeting about them in verse. It sharpens my sense of humour, finds new friends, and also brings me new commissions.

But last night it brought me something else…and I’m now part of an elite group known as the Theo Paphitis #SBS (Small Business Sunday) winners club.

Theo loves to support small businesses, and every Sunday night on Twitter he invites us to tweet him between 5.00pm and 7.30 and he personally picks six of us out to re-tweet.  To be honest I sneaked in between the skin of my quill, with only one minute to go, with the following tweet:

“I am a comedian and poet. I write wedding speeches which make people laugh and cry”.

I then carried on tweeting my usual nonsense…until at 20.55 I was amazed to see that Theo Paphitis had retweeted my tweet.

What happened next?  My twitter steam went bonkers….my followers now number 2,440 and are still rising….and my business is on view to far more people.  I love it.

So if you want to shout about your business, then join in the #SBS tweeting on Sunday night. Just tweet Theo Paphitis on @TheoPaphitis and tell him what you do.  Don’t forget to include the #sbs hashtag, and remember to tweet him between 5.00pm and 7.30pm.

I’m really grateful to Theo Paphitis for picking me out for his #sbs award.  It’s lovely to be featured, and with my book Animal Angst due out later this year it will help make more people aware of it.

But will it make my tweets more sensible?

I very much doubt it….